And it was an important step in my recovery from abuse

Photo by Daan Geurts on Unsplash

May has possibly been the worst month on my journey to healing after narcissistic abuse. Or maybe it has been the best, depending on how you look at it. There is no denying it, I have been incredibly lazy.

I have abandoned my morning routine of doing exercise, meditation, journaling and writing. Instead, when I wake up now, I have a coffee while I play Match Masters (a highly addictive match 3 game my daughter introduced me to).

I have also been procrastinating on my studies and done the bare minimum to prepare for my next dissertation. I have barely…

I never considered myself a feminist because I didn’t hate men

Image by Author via Canva.com

I was 14 years old when I learned that women can be bitches. Although I had always predominantly hung out with boys, the few female friends I had turned against me as soon as I started dating.

I had been an early bloomer and by the time my classmates started passing around notes with tick boxes (Do you want to be my boyfriend? □ Yes □ No
□ Maybe), I had already had sex with my boyfriend.

It became increasingly harder to ignore their snarky comments at school. Swimming classes were the worst. When we all had to get undressed…

And we still fail to recognize it

2020 has been pretty difficult for many of us no doubt. And my heart goes out to those that also had to deal with a breakup. Amidst all the lockdown restrictions, not being able to see my family and friends, I also had to go through the aftermath of an abusive relationship. It sucked, still does.

But I am a fighter, survivor. I started working on myself. And part of the healing journey has been a newfound focus on me. Self-love. It’s a difficult mindset to get into when you have never practiced it.

My therapist stressed the importance of…

When kindness and empathy only make you a victim

Image by Author via Canva.com

I was supposed to have a relaxing Sunday with my daughters. We are in lockdown and it was raining buckets outside. All I wanted is to cuddle up with them and watch a movie. Then I made a mistake. I decided to plan my work ahead of next week. It’s something I do frequently. If I get a picture of the week ahead and plan out my tasks when nobody is distracting me, I generally have a more relaxing start to the week.

Today, it didn’t have that effect. Why oh why did I open the employee feedback survey, I…

Or should what happens at work always stay at work?

Image by Author via Canva.com

If you are experiencing sexual harassment or intimidation at work, you can get help and support. Contact RAINN at 800.656.HOPE (4673).

As with so many sexual harassment cases, it had taken a few women to come forward before the claims against Adam* were taken seriously by our management team, and a formal investigation was finally launched. And as always with Adam, he had been one step ahead of the game. Before the probe even started, he had already given notice and found another job.

My phone went wild that day. The entire company, and specifically the women, seemed to be…

Lifting you up, to take you down.

Image by Author via Canva.com

Many people who have never been in an abusive relationship find it difficult to comprehend its effect on victims.

When victims stay with their abuser they are often met with little empathy: “If your partner is so horrible, why don’t you leave?” And after they have left it seems even more difficult to understand why victims are not jumping for joy or cannot stop obsessing over what happened to them.

There are many reasons victims fail to “just move on”, (Trauma-Bond, C-PTSD to name a few). For some, it takes longer than the actual relationship lasted.

Abusive relationships are complex…

I am not ready to read articles urging us to have compassion for narcissists

Image by Author via Canva.com

Lately medium feels that I have to read more articles that urge people to show compassion and understanding for people with personality disorders. Namely narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder.

And while I have always been a big advocate for helping and aiming to understand anyone who struggles with their mental health, these articles are concerning me. I don’t think they are wrong, but probably ahead of our time.

When we urge people who have never experienced abuse to show compassion and understanding for abusers, it can easily create confusion. It could be misinterpreted as excusing abusive behaviour.

I know it’s not the same thing

As…

Maybe overcoming procrastination isn’t the only way to success.

Image by Author via Canva.com

“What would you like to work on next?” my therapist prompted. Procrastination! The word shot out of me without leaving a second for contemplation. “Why Procrastination?” I was taken aback, Did I really have to explain to him that I was the master procrastinator? Apparently so. But my answers didn’t seem to satisfy him; he had more questions! “And is this something you want to change?”

I was exasperated. What planet does he live on? Doesn’t he know that procrastination is the root cause of all failures? Hasn’t he read any of the self-help books or articles on becoming more…

She will never get her innocence back.

Image by Author via Canva.com

I was doing fine. I felt like my life was slowly starting to turn around and I could see some of the positives that had come out of the most difficult situation I had ever found myself in.

It had been 8 months since my abusive relationship had ended. For all the months that I woke up to the overwhelming pain of emotions, I could now point to minutes, even hours that I had been able to focus on something else.

I had been distracting myself. It had worked. And then my therapist came up with an exercise to speak…

Kara Summers

5x Top Writer. Raising awareness of emotional abuse and toxic relationships. Narcissistic Abuse Survivor.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store